Sunsets on the horizon.
The weather’s been getting colder, and the winter rains are coming. Wrapped in a fuzzy blanket next to a pile of sweet smelling, fresh laundry, I find my mind wandering. Wandering over the last year. Wandering through the photos, the places, and the people. Wondering what I’ll do and where I’ll go next.
I’ve spent the past year soul searching. This time last year, I was struggling with my career and my direction in life. I wanted a new job; I wanted to shoot photography; I wanted to be someone and do something.
It didn’t come easily, though.
I was so lost.
And, I realized recently, I’m still not there yet. It’s kind of like that feeling you get after browsing Facebook or Instagram for a period of time and leave, feeling like everyone else in the world has their life together and are out doing wonderful and beautiful things. (Yes, I just linked to my Instagram. I am unabashedly self-promoting my Insta- I can’t help it sometimes. As for Facebook, I lurk, but I want to detach.) That’s how I feel sometimes. Left out and forgotten.
So I’m on a journey. To find myself. To find what makes me tick. I’m not satisfied with living a life merely going through the motions. The circumstances of my departure from my last job left me with bouts of nervousness at my new job, which I’ve used as motivation now to be the best I can be. I’m still nervous, but I know I won’t feel this way forever. Is this life? Waking up early to work out, wading through my work, fighting traffic to get home, ultimately eating dinner and collapsing in bed in order to wake up and do it all over again? I freaked out the other day because my mind (my traitorous mind) had explored the possibility that I was too old and too far down a path to be able to achieve everything I desired. Sunsets on the horizon, if you will.
No. I refuse. This isn’t it. I’m too young and too ambitious and too excited to do other things. I’m going down a good path now, but I refuse to let it be a leisurely path, and I refuse to let it become a dead end. I’ve been down this road before. But this time, I have the ability to make my own life and make my own time for things that I want. I’m looking into art classes; photography classes; reigniting my artistic spark and flexing my creative muscles.
I just need a reminder every now and then. Let’s go. Let’s be!
// 35mm film photo taken with my Canon AE-1 a Albany Bulb in Albany, CA, just east of San Francisco. On clear days, you can see all three bridges (Golden Gate, Bay, and Richmond) from this vantage point. A quiet place for quiet reflection.